Pacifica

GENDER MATHEMATICS & OTHER THINGS MALE/FEMALE

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that is on sale that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with man, understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with woman, love her a lot and don't try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more eager to die

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in
two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up looking essentially the same as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

ARGUMENT TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman? Before marriage and after marriage

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)

Ramto

"Black humor" - yeah! I think that winnetwo wants to have more of it?!

Pacifica

Subject: Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is a Vegetable. Chocolate is derived from
cocoa beans. Beans are a vegetable. Sugar is derived
from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS, both are
plants, which places them in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also
contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a
health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in
the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they
actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make
you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that
handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry
would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can
you?

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"
Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew),
and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this
message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's
why I had to pass this on -- I didn't want to risk it.

__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)

Ramto

convincing!

Pacifica

Folgendes Schreiben habe ich von einem guten Freund in USA erhalten. Ihr müsst wissen, dass ein "Deli" eine typische New Yorker Einrichtung ist. Es war ein jüdischer "Delikatessenladen", in dem auch Tische waren, an denen man etwas zu sich nehmen konnte. Heute ist ein Deli ein Restaurant, in dem man meistens günstig und gut entweder jüdisch oder italienisch essen kann. Katz's war und ist wohl eines der berühmtesten Delis von New York.

Ein "shrink" ist ein Psychiater, und ein "pickle slicer" ein Gurkenschneider.

This one I got from Steven Shaw's web site of reviews of great New York City delis (Jewish and Italian).

http://www.shaw-review.com/article/articleview/91/


In his review of the inestimable Katz's on Houston Street, he tells a story that reminded me of the hilarious jokes that the older Jewish guys used to tell us years ago. Like: "How do you cure a Jewish girl of nymphomania?" "Marry her!" Shaw's tale seems downright disgusting at the beginning, but, ... . Ok, I will let him tell you.

I hope that this story doesn't offend anyone. After all, it is pungent!!

Jim

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When I was nineteen and dating my now-wife, I took her to Katz's because I knew that, despite her then-vegetarianism, she would enjoy the Katz's Deli experience (she ate fries, pickles and coleslaw -- three of the best items at Katz's). Within seconds of being seated, our waiter, an old-timer named Steven (who often recognized me in those days) came up and said, "Hey, it's the other Steven. OK, I gotta tell you a story -- you're not gonna believe this."

"A few months ago," he continued, "we got a new pickle slicer. Now, we used to have this guy Lenny, he worked behind the counter. Lenny goes to the boss one day and says: 'Hey, boss, I got a problem. I got this irresistible urge to stick my schlong [Yiddish slang for penis] in the pickle slicer.' The boss says: 'Lenny don't do it. I'm sending you to a shrink.'"

"So Lenny sees this shrink and tells about the problem and the shrink listens and they talk and the shrink says at the end: 'Lenny, you got problems. We gotta work on this.
Whatever you do, before the next time you see me, don't stick your thing in the pickle slicer, OK?'"

"Lenny goes back the next week to the shrink and says: 'Doc, I couldn't help myself. I did it. I stuck my schlong in the pickle slicer.' The shrink says: 'So what happened?' Lenny says: 'I got fired.'"

"'Yeah,' says the shrink, 'but what about the pickle slicer?'"

"'Oh, she got fired too."

Unfortunately, most of the great old waiters at Katz's are gone.

__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)

Pacifica

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming
voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take
a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you
think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know
how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give
me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when
they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)

Pacifica

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, " Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)

Pacifica

Sounds familiar?

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet
him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the
woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep,
and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is
you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."

__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)

StJohnSmith

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Gruß StJohn

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