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Alt 23.12.2001, 18:32  #1
Pacifica
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Jokes in English

NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Caught you smiling -- Keep it up !!
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Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)

Zuletzt bearbeitet von Pacifica, 23.12.2001 um 19:39.
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Alt 24.12.2001, 13:26  #2
Ramto
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I`ve understood everything! Please, Paci...if you have more of similiar stuff - put it here! It helps me to make some steps more to consolidate my poor English. The Euro/English-Thread is not helpful enough to do so!

Zuletzt bearbeitet von Ramto, 24.12.2001 um 13:29.
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Alt 25.12.2001, 17:45  #3
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Interviewing crazy

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."
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Alt 28.12.2001, 18:26  #4
Ramto
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I like all the jokes about "mills"! Sometimes I begin to fear that it must have a reason!
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Alt 28.12.2001, 18:38  #5
Pacifica
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Do you think it may have something to do with your name??
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Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)
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Alt 28.12.2001, 19:12  #6
Ramto
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Here we use to say "mills" instead of "psych. clinics"! It has nothing to do with my name but with my condition!
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Alt 01.01.2002, 12:52  #7
Pacifica
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An older man was married to a younger woman.
After several years of a very happy marriage, he
had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that
to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided
that he should sleep in the family room downstairs
to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that
life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed
upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said,
"I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill
you!"
__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)
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Alt 02.01.2002, 15:36  #8
femme_fatale
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human stupidness

not ment as joke but...

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Nur die Liebe vermehrt sich, wenn man sie teilt.
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Alt 02.01.2002, 18:11  #9
Pacifica
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There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to b fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled themdown.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"
__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)
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Alt 02.01.2002, 18:12  #10
Pacifica
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A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)
Für Inhalt und Rechtmäßigkeit dieses Beitrags trägt der Verfasser Pacifica die alleinige Verantwortung. (s. Haftungshinweis)
Pacifica ist offline   Antwort mit Zitat FTOR-Chat
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