Zurück  F R E E S T I L E - Community > Speakers Corner - Diskussionen und Spiele > Kunst und Design - Musik, Film, Literatur
Benutzername
Kennwort


Antwort
Thema gelesen: 18069 x | Antworten: 96 | online: 2 Themen Tools durchsuchen Anzeige Modus

Alt 16.07.2004, 10:42  #91
Polt
NO CHIACCHIERONE
 
Dabei seit: 15 Oct 2003
Ort: Würzburg
Beiträge: 10.374
Standard Re: Jokes in English

I do know this joke in a Franz-Josef-Strauß version, but this is a good one, too!
__________________
Tut man es im feuchten Gras,
mag das nicht der Ischias!
48. Poltsche Bauernregel, nach einer Eingebung von Gastreferent Magma
Für Inhalt und Rechtmäßigkeit dieses Beitrags trägt der Verfasser Polt die alleinige Verantwortung. (s. Haftungshinweis)
Polt ist offline   Antwort mit Zitat FTOR-Chat
Alt 03.09.2004, 21:35  #92
Pacifica
Cheiromanin
 
Pacifica's Benutzerbild
 
Dabei seit: 16 Sep 2001
Ort: Meer der Emotionen
Beiträge: 15.696
Standard Re: Jokes in English

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. He could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also, like any good bartender, engage in appropriate conversation.

A man enters the bar and orders a drink. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail and then asks him: "What's your IQ?" The man replies: "150". And the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics,
string theory, atomic chemistry etc. The customer is very impressed and thinks: "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him: "What is your IQ?" The man responds: "100". And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders etc.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks: "What's your IQ?" The man replies: "50". And the robot says: "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"
__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)
Für Inhalt und Rechtmäßigkeit dieses Beitrags trägt der Verfasser Pacifica die alleinige Verantwortung. (s. Haftungshinweis)
Pacifica ist offline   Antwort mit Zitat FTOR-Chat
Alt 03.09.2004, 22:21  #93
Ramto
Ressurector
 
Ramto's Benutzerbild
 
Dabei seit: 05 Jan 2001
Beiträge: 19.851
Standard Re: Jokes in English

Für Inhalt und Rechtmäßigkeit dieses Beitrags trägt der Verfasser Ramto die alleinige Verantwortung. (s. Haftungshinweis)
Ramto ist offline   Antwort mit Zitat FTOR-Chat
Alt 09.06.2006, 22:41  #94
Pacifica
Cheiromanin
 
Pacifica's Benutzerbild
 
Dabei seit: 16 Sep 2001
Ort: Meer der Emotionen
Beiträge: 15.696
Standard Re: Jokes in English

Does anybody have any more jokes in English?
__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)
Für Inhalt und Rechtmäßigkeit dieses Beitrags trägt der Verfasser Pacifica die alleinige Verantwortung. (s. Haftungshinweis)
Pacifica ist offline   Antwort mit Zitat FTOR-Chat
Alt 19.01.2007, 09:17  #95
Pacifica
Cheiromanin
 
Pacifica's Benutzerbild
 
Dabei seit: 16 Sep 2001
Ort: Meer der Emotionen
Beiträge: 15.696
Standard Re: Jokes in English

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to
hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks
it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the
men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f***ing
lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well there you have it lady, you
should have taken golf lessons instead."
__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)
Für Inhalt und Rechtmäßigkeit dieses Beitrags trägt der Verfasser Pacifica die alleinige Verantwortung. (s. Haftungshinweis)
Pacifica ist offline   Antwort mit Zitat FTOR-Chat
Alt 19.01.2007, 10:30  #96
Polt
NO CHIACCHIERONE
 
Dabei seit: 15 Oct 2003
Ort: Würzburg
Beiträge: 10.374
Standard Re: Jokes in English

__________________
Tut man es im feuchten Gras,
mag das nicht der Ischias!
48. Poltsche Bauernregel, nach einer Eingebung von Gastreferent Magma
Für Inhalt und Rechtmäßigkeit dieses Beitrags trägt der Verfasser Polt die alleinige Verantwortung. (s. Haftungshinweis)
Polt ist offline   Antwort mit Zitat FTOR-Chat
Alt 20.01.2007, 13:28  #97
Pacifica
Cheiromanin
 
Pacifica's Benutzerbild
 
Dabei seit: 16 Sep 2001
Ort: Meer der Emotionen
Beiträge: 15.696
Standard Re: Jokes in English

Idiot Report

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down

and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave

her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006


Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might

call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells

Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.


This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 20056

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided

that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the
liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:

"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS
__________________________________________________ ____
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, AL
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________________ _
IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
the company due to" downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more
often."
Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
__________________________________________________ __
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock

the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively

tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced
to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
__________________________________________________ _____

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us and they REPRODUCE!
__________________
Pacifica
Erfolg ist die Fähigkeit, von einem Mißerfolg zum anderen zu gehen,
ohne seine Begeisterung zu verlieren.
(Winston Churchill)
Für Inhalt und Rechtmäßigkeit dieses Beitrags trägt der Verfasser Pacifica die alleinige Verantwortung. (s. Haftungshinweis)
Pacifica ist offline   Antwort mit Zitat FTOR-Chat
AntwortSeite neu laden


Themen Tools  durchsuchen 
durchsuchen:

Erweiterte Suche
Anzeige Modus  Dieses Thema bewerten 
Dieses Thema bewerten:

Forum Regeln
Es ist dir nicht erlaubt, neue Beiträge zu schreiben.
Es ist dir nicht erlaubt, auf Beiträge zu antworten.
Es ist dir nicht erlaubt, Anhänge anzufügen.
Es ist dir nicht erlaubt, Deine Beiträge zu bearbeiten.

vB code ist An
Smilies sind An
[IMG] code ist An
HTML code ist Aus
Gehe zu



Alle Zeiten sind WEZ +2 Stunde(n). Es ist 17:07 Uhr.


© copyright: imagine grafik - dtp - screendesign
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.