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Pacifica
23.12.2001, 18:32
NINE MONTHS LATER

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Caught you smiling -- Keep it up !! :haha:

Ramto
24.12.2001, 13:26
:jump: I`ve understood everything! Please, Paci...if you have more of similiar stuff - put it here! It helps me to make some steps more to consolidate my poor English. The Euro/English-Thread is not helpful enough to do so! ;)

femme_fatale
25.12.2001, 17:45
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

Ramto
28.12.2001, 18:26
:haha: I like all the jokes about "mills"! Sometimes I begin to fear that it must have a reason! :D

Pacifica
28.12.2001, 18:38
Do you think it may have something to do with your name?? :D :D

Ramto
28.12.2001, 19:12
Here we use to say "mills" instead of "psych. clinics"! It has nothing to do with my name but with my condition! :D ;)

Pacifica
01.01.2002, 12:52
An older man was married to a younger woman.
After several years of a very happy marriage, he
had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that
to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided
that he should sleep in the family room downstairs
to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that
life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed
upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said,
"I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill
you!"

femme_fatale
02.01.2002, 15:36
not ment as joke but...

http://www.koch-bernd.de/schmunzelseite/Specials/Zeitung/Z-Copycat.jpg

Pacifica
02.01.2002, 18:11
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to b fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town. However, One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, two-thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled themdown.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!"

Pacifica
02.01.2002, 18:12
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Pacifica
03.01.2002, 19:50
GENDER MATHEMATICS & OTHER THINGS MALE/FEMALE

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that is on sale that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with man, understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with woman, love her a lot and don't try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more eager to die

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes; there's no use in
two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up looking essentially the same as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

ARGUMENT TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman? Before marriage and after marriage

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Ramto
04.01.2002, 21:58
"Black humor" - yeah! I think that winnetwo wants to have more of it?!

Pacifica
07.01.2002, 21:59
Subject: Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is a Vegetable. Chocolate is derived from
cocoa beans. Beans are a vegetable. Sugar is derived
from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS, both are
plants, which places them in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also
contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a
health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and
strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you
want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands,
you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home
from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in
the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll
take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white
chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they
actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make
you look younger.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things
to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing
done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily
intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that
handy?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for
control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry
would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can
you?

REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts"
Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew),
and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this
message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. That's
why I had to pass this on -- I didn't want to risk it.

Ramto
08.01.2002, 09:20
:haha: convincing!

Pacifica
09.01.2002, 11:25
Folgendes Schreiben habe ich von einem guten Freund in USA erhalten. Ihr müsst wissen, dass ein "Deli" eine typische New Yorker Einrichtung ist. Es war ein jüdischer "Delikatessenladen", in dem auch Tische waren, an denen man etwas zu sich nehmen konnte. Heute ist ein Deli ein Restaurant, in dem man meistens günstig und gut entweder jüdisch oder italienisch essen kann. Katz's war und ist wohl eines der berühmtesten Delis von New York.

Ein "shrink" ist ein Psychiater, und ein "pickle slicer" ein Gurkenschneider.

This one I got from Steven Shaw's web site of reviews of great New York City delis (Jewish and Italian).

http://www.shaw-review.com/article/articleview/91/


In his review of the inestimable Katz's on Houston Street, he tells a story that reminded me of the hilarious jokes that the older Jewish guys used to tell us years ago. Like: "How do you cure a Jewish girl of nymphomania?" "Marry her!" Shaw's tale seems downright disgusting at the beginning, but, ... . Ok, I will let him tell you.

I hope that this story doesn't offend anyone. After all, it is pungent!!

Jim

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------

When I was nineteen and dating my now-wife, I took her to Katz's because I knew that, despite her then-vegetarianism, she would enjoy the Katz's Deli experience (she ate fries, pickles and coleslaw -- three of the best items at Katz's). Within seconds of being seated, our waiter, an old-timer named Steven (who often recognized me in those days) came up and said, "Hey, it's the other Steven. OK, I gotta tell you a story -- you're not gonna believe this."

"A few months ago," he continued, "we got a new pickle slicer. Now, we used to have this guy Lenny, he worked behind the counter. Lenny goes to the boss one day and says: 'Hey, boss, I got a problem. I got this irresistible urge to stick my schlong [Yiddish slang for penis] in the pickle slicer.' The boss says: 'Lenny don't do it. I'm sending you to a shrink.'"

"So Lenny sees this shrink and tells about the problem and the shrink listens and they talk and the shrink says at the end: 'Lenny, you got problems. We gotta work on this.
Whatever you do, before the next time you see me, don't stick your thing in the pickle slicer, OK?'"

"Lenny goes back the next week to the shrink and says: 'Doc, I couldn't help myself. I did it. I stuck my schlong in the pickle slicer.' The shrink says: 'So what happened?' Lenny says: 'I got fired.'"

"'Yeah,' says the shrink, 'but what about the pickle slicer?'"

"'Oh, she got fired too."

Unfortunately, most of the great old waiters at Katz's are gone.

Pacifica
20.01.2002, 18:55
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming
voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of
the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The
supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The
concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take
a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you
think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,
"Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know
how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give
me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when
they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Pacifica
22.01.2002, 22:20
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, " Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Pacifica
23.01.2002, 18:56
Sounds familiar?

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more
and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me ? I promised a friend I would meet
him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41
degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the
woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep,
and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is
you're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."

StJohnSmith
25.01.2002, 19:16
Congratulations !!!!!

You have been selected for FREE 3 Days and 2 Nights stay at Hotel Camp Taliban, Afghanistan.

Free Lively Entertainment :
1. Fire Works and Air Show by U.S. Air Force.

2. Get Physical - Exciting Games - Hide and Seek, Smoke me Out - hosted by Osama Bin Laden.

Once in a Life Time opportunity - once you come here ... we guarantee you will never leave...

For Confirmation and Reservation of front seats contact President Musharraf of Pakistan.

Warmest regards,
Osama Bin Laden


Gruß StJohn

Ramto
25.01.2002, 21:43
at all: :haha:

Pacifica
28.01.2002, 18:32
THESE FOLKS ARE AMONG US !!!!!


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened..... MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS AT WORK...
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE: I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

Ramto
28.01.2002, 20:20
The very last sentence I can`t underline. I use to notice almost every day that "stupids" are living better!...:jump:

femme_fatale
29.01.2002, 15:48
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies", he responded.
"Oh ! Killing any ? she asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?" He responded :
"3 were on the beer can, 2 were on the phone".

Ramto
29.01.2002, 19:04
http://www.ohmygoodness.com/Cartoons/pb002b.jpg

County General Psychiatric Hospital
"Hey, didn't anyone tell you that the
sex maniacs and the nymphomaniacs
have different hours to go out?"

femme_fatale
31.01.2002, 13:48
A man had great tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sat down, another man came along and asked if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

He says, "Well actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first FA Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh.......I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour - to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

Pacifica
31.01.2002, 14:03
SPITZE, Ramto und Femmi ... ich habe Tränen gelacht!

Ramto
31.01.2002, 15:18
@ Paci: This one just for you:

God And Eve

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a
problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and
all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm
just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous
ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all,
he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster and more muscular
than you. He'll also need your advice to think properly. He'll be really
good at fighting and kicking a ball about, hunting fleet-footed ruminants,
and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well... he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But,
you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

Pacifica
31.01.2002, 19:58
... aber ein klitzekleines bisschen ist er auch für Femmi, gell?

:haha: :haha:

StJohnSmith
31.01.2002, 20:07
Wrong Present

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note : romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note :

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love"

"PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."


Best regards StJohn

Pacifica
31.01.2002, 20:53
.

Ramto
01.02.2002, 19:38
@ Paci: OK! ...A little bit! :D

@ StJohn: Just like Paci: http://imperium.de/animationen/anims/man05.gif

Ramto
02.02.2002, 16:32
"Astonishment" is a too poor expression for dedecting the following fact:

http://www.pacifica.org/images5/pacradnua.gif

Pacifica
02.02.2002, 21:10
Very very good photo of me! :D

Pacifica
06.02.2002, 10:45
ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA and SYRIA FORM "AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL"

Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Axes

Beijing -- Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of
Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than "that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of" in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics.

Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but
privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Ramto
11.02.2002, 16:57
@ Paci: Is that a joke? :confused:

Pacifica
11.02.2002, 17:49
Yes dear, it's a joke!! Eine Verballhornung durch Uebertreibung.

Ramto
11.02.2002, 18:21
...Need some more English lessons! Do you know a very patient teacher for me? ;)

Pacifica
25.03.2002, 18:12
Sorry, Ramto, I don't know a patient teacher, but I'd love to be your impatient teacher :D

New Joke:

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so -- how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?

"WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."

Pacifica
25.03.2002, 18:13
One day The Lord came to Adam to pass on some news.

"I've got some good news and some bad news", The Lord said.
Adam looked at The Lord and said, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is
called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new
things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve."

"The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you
to reproduce your new intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve
will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given
to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is
that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of
these organs at a time."

Ramto
25.03.2002, 18:56
"Intelligent life form"? - :confused: When do it come? ;)

Pacifica
10.04.2002, 15:52
From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story
from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland, Australia.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark
for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an
eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his
car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and
drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it
was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn
and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At
last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the
road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathelizer indicated
no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

decoy = Köder, Lockvogel

Pacifica
10.04.2002, 15:55
Moral of the Story

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.
Suddenly, the horse falls into a mud hole and starts
to sink.

The horse yells at the chicken to go and get the
farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be
found.

So, the chicken gets into the farmer's BMW and drives
it as fast as possible back to the mud hole.

Wasting no time, the chicken ties a rope around the
bumper, and then tosses the other end of the rope to
the horse. As the horse hangs on for dear life, the
chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse
from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in
the meadow again. This time, the chicken falls into
the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to hurry
and get the farmer, or the farmer's BMW.

The horse then says, "Wait, I think I can stand over
the mud hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the
hole and says to the chicken, "Reach up and grab my
"thingy," and pull yourself up!!!" And the chicken did
so, and pulled herself up to safety.

The Moral of the Story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

("hung" in diesem Zusammenhang = "eine grosse Nase haben" und "chicks" sind junge Frauen)

Pacifica
10.04.2002, 15:56
Disease Prevention
Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for
her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one
afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She
invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In
the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise.

Imagine his curiosity!

Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something! But he certainly couldn't
mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and
cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of
him, and he could resist no longer.

"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you tell me about this? (pointing to the
bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?"

"I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The
directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent
disease. And you know....I haven't had a cold all winter."

femme_fatale
10.04.2002, 19:56
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I'd prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the hours lounging around on clouds and playing theharp and singing. She had a good time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and then replied. "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled.

" Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're staff ! "

Pacifica
10.04.2002, 20:11
:wut: :top: :devil: :haha: :king:

Ramto
13.04.2002, 21:48
Nothing On From The Waist Down

A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on
from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in
the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(I like it ... why?) :D

StJohnSmith
06.05.2002, 16:29
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station....
what more can I say..........:D

Ramto
06.05.2002, 21:17
And I always understood "work-shop" instead of "work-stop"! :D

Pacifica
09.05.2002, 00:03
TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
* Yes = No
* No = Yes
* Maybe = No
* We need = I want
* I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
* We need to talk = I need to complain about what you are doing
* Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
* Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
* Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
* I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset
* You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
* Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
* You're so...manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
* Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
* It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
* You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
* I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
TV
* How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not
going to like

TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH:
* I'm hungry = I'm hungry
* I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
* I'm tired = I'm tired
* Nice dress = Nice cleavage
* I love you = Let's have sex now
* I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
* What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
* I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
* May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
* Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
* Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
* Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
other guys
* You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you
in the next ten minutes
* Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
* I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

femme_fatale
15.05.2002, 15:18
I was on Highway 20 out of Montreal driving toward Quebec city and I decide to stop at a rest stop to use the men's room.
The first stall was occupied so I went in the second. I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just travelling east!" Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!

Pacifica
15.05.2002, 16:30
:super: Femmi ... ich habe mich gekugelt! Sehr schön.

Ramto
15.05.2002, 17:28
Und ich habe es wieder einmal nicht begreift! :(

Pacifica
03.08.2002, 23:22
Neues Wörterbuch für Börsianer


EBITDA: earnings before I tricked damn auditor.
EBIT: earnings before irregularities and tampering.
CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
NAV: normal Anderson valuation.
FRS: fantasy reporting standards.
P/E: parole entitlement.
EPS: eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD &POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse
PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God

Ramto
04.08.2002, 10:26
Thanks heaven - I don`t need it at the moment. I "let my fingers off" till better times will come to invest. :)

Eikthyrnir
18.08.2002, 14:20
What did the Englishman say when he came home and found three men in bed with his wife?

Hello, hello, hello.


How do you know jesus was an irishman?

He always hung around with the lads, thought he was god and lived with his mother till he was thirty.

Ramto
19.08.2002, 13:38
:haha: Good jokes! :top:

Winnetwo
24.08.2002, 13:38
"Quick!", says the man in the shop. "Give me a mousetrap, please! I ´ve to catch the bus!"

"I´m sorry", the owner of the shop replies, "but we haven`t got such big mousetraps."

Pacifica
04.09.2002, 11:25
Senior moments...

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

Pacifica
04.09.2002, 11:28
Rules--THE MALE VERSION

We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules Please note ...these are all numbered 1 ON PURPOSE

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday-sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1, Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like computer default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing', we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Ramto
04.09.2002, 20:27
Some words I have missed in my brain to translate them but nevertheless - there are so many facts which I never can bring in conclusion with my wife! ;)

Pacifica
12.09.2002, 18:33
Unrecognizable

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, 'No, you have another 36 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, a breastlift, liposuction, several fat aspirations and a tummy tuck.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she even had someone come in and change her hair color. Finally she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 36 years, why didn't you pull me away out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Ramto
12.09.2002, 19:01
A very good answer of the Lord! I leave it alone...! :D

Pacifica
09.10.2002, 10:39
Good Trade


A saleswoman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Native American woman hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Indian woman gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in the bag?", she asks. "It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband", says the saleswoman. The Indian woman is silent for a while, nods several times, and then says, "Good trade"

Ramto
09.10.2002, 11:23
It means: She changed the husband "for" the bottle? Has "for" different meaning here?

Pacifica
09.10.2002, 11:51
"for" has a double meaning here ... that's the joke ;)

You could say almost the same in German: "Ich habe die Flasche für meinen Mann bekommen". or "Ich habe die Flasche für meinen Mann geholt". In both cases you use "für". In German you need a verb. The English version is fine without the verb, which is what makes the joke.

Pacifica
12.10.2002, 14:12
Evidence that you live in the year 2002

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.

5. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a new screen saver.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

7. You buy a computer and 6 months later it's out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 or 40 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.

9. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.

10. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

11. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

12. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

13. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

14. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

15. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

16. You're thinking how true all of this is.

17. Even worse, you're probably going to forward it to someone else.

Ramto
12.10.2002, 14:17
Oh Paci! Not that!... I´m confused enough and don´t need any confrontation with to recognize how deeply the evil sits in! :D

Pacifica
12.10.2002, 14:23
Hi Ramto ... wie geht's?
Wirf mal AIM an!

tina
12.10.2002, 17:29
dear ramto,

you are confused?? tell me your problems, perhapes I can help
you??

:bussi:

Ramto
09.11.2002, 10:35
@ tina: Just detected!...

Was this an English joke? ;)

"Being confused" belongs to my profession, dear tina! So it´s not an extraordinary situation now.
It will become one if white-dressed men should storm our house
to fetch me for the special hospital which is located not too far off my home!
May the "Great Goddess" over the fogs of Avalon take care of me! :haha: :think: :devil:

femme_fatale
09.11.2002, 20:11
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.

TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING:
What seems to be the problem?
INSTEAD OF:
What crawled up your ass and died?

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?

TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING:
Oh I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick.

TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

tina
09.11.2002, 20:32
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted...

Ramto
09.11.2002, 21:51
:shame: - real! :)

femme_fatale
14.11.2002, 11:12
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a café when a American tourist , chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation . The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his
breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia." The American had a smirk on his face.

The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"

Sighing the Australian replied "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, ransform them into jam and sell it to Australia."

The Australian was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Do you have sex in the states?"

The American smiled and replied, "Of course we do."

The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?"

Raik
14.11.2002, 11:20
:haha:

Blind, Blond, & Ballsy

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Pacifica
08.03.2003, 21:16
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that the man was slowly sliding down in his chair and under the table, while the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared clam and unruffled and apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order she came over to the table and said to the woman,

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly,

"No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Pacifica
08.03.2003, 21:19
A blond was shopping at K-Mart and came across a
shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The
clerk said, "why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot
things hot and cold things cold."
"Wow," said the blond, "that's amazing... I'm going to
buy it! So she bought the thermos and took it to work
the next day. Her boss, who is also blond, saw it on her
desk. "What's that?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos.
it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she
replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have
in it?"

"Two Popsicles and some coffee."

==========================

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone
bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she
decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my
business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as
well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else
wins it.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost
my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she
prays... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my
house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have
always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one
time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart,
work with Me on this...
Buy a ticket."

=============================

Ramto
11.03.2003, 08:26
:top: :haha:

Ramto
17.07.2003, 12:01
It´s time to re-animate the thread because Paci is on flight to the States and will probably no more understand German when she´ll come back in August... :devil:

competition

Three boys fight with each other that their respective grandpa's are great.1st one says my grandfather is so great that he dived into pacific and after a long swim came out of atlantic.2nd says my grandpa is so great that he jumped into the indian and came out in mrctic.third one says that's all? my grandpa jumped into a tank and came out of a tap.....

Pacifica
20.08.2003, 19:40
Ramto :haha:

Subject: After the flood, came the government

The Ark

It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But, I want
you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the
earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard
in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his
front yard weeping.
"Noah." he shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive me!"
cried Noah. "I did my best but, there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.
Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on
the Ark but, still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corp of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not
taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax
and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further
construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth,
it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!"
Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you
are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord, "The government already has."

Pacifica
08.09.2003, 13:01
Subject: This explains why we forward jokes

This explains why we forward jokes, so please read it.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like Mother of Pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside,leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there".
The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said.
"The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope.That's Hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

And to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.


So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

Ramto
10.09.2003, 08:38
Have no thumbs enough to demonstrate my feeling after reading it! :top:

Pacifica
27.04.2004, 17:50
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."

Pacifica
27.04.2004, 17:55
Government Job

A guy goes to a government office to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam.

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favour. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, a land mine blew my nuts off, so they declared me disabled, but it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, in civil service, we don't do anything but sit round and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point in you coming in for that."

Pacifica
27.04.2004, 17:55
Free Sex

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase it's sales so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up."

Soon a local "redneck" pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his Free Sex.

The owner told him pick a number from (1) to (10), if he guessed correctly, he would get his Free Sex.

The buyer then guessed (8), the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no Free Sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up, again he asked for his Free Sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed (2) this time, again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close, but no Free Sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away Free Sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't Billy Ray, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

Polt
27.04.2004, 18:25
Very nice! :)

I do know a similar joke, in which a new restaurant opens. And they promise free drinks, free meals, and, of course, free sex. A man tells his buddy about the restaurant, and the buddy says: "Unbelievable! How do you know that? Have you ever been there?" And the man says: "Not me. But my wife!"

Polt

Pacifica
28.04.2004, 15:36
;) Polti!

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "I'd like to find out how Sarah Finkel, in Room 302 is doing.... "

The operator says,"I will connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302".

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic, that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit!"

Polt
28.04.2004, 15:47
:haha: :haha: :haha: :top:

Pacifica
16.07.2004, 09:12
Intelligence test


George W. Bush is hanging out with the Queen of England. He asks her: "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

The Queen says: "Well, the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns and replies: "Well, how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a little sip of tea and says: "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes the button on her intercom and says: "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room and says: "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles at Tony and says: "Tony, answer me this, please. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair says: "Well, that would be me."

The Queen smiles and says: "Yes! Very good. Thank you!"

Back at the White House, Bush is a bit puzzled. He asks to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney.

"Hey Dick, answer this for me, would you? Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

Dick Cheney frowns and says: "Geez, I'm not sure. Lemme get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to all his advisors and asks everyone he can but no one can give him an answer.

Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts over to him: "Hey Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell flushes and yells back: "Hey, that's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles and yells: "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and tells Bush: "Hey, I finally figured out the answer to that riddle! It's Colin Powell!"

Bush gets up and angrily stomps over to Dick Cheney and yells right into Dick's face: "No you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

Ramto
16.07.2004, 09:15
:top: :devil: :haha:

Polt
16.07.2004, 10:42
I do know this joke in a Franz-Josef-Strauß version, but this is a good one, too! :haha:

Pacifica
03.09.2004, 21:35
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. He could not only dispense drinks flawlessly, but also, like any good bartender, engage in appropriate conversation.

A man enters the bar and orders a drink. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail and then asks him: "What's your IQ?" The man replies: "150". And the robot proceeds to make conversation about quantum physics,
string theory, atomic chemistry etc. The customer is very impressed and thinks: "This is really cool."

He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the drink and asks him: "What is your IQ?" The man responds: "100". And immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, baseball, cheerleaders etc.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He goes back in, the robot serves him and asks: "What's your IQ?" The man replies: "50". And the robot says: "So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

Ramto
03.09.2004, 22:21
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_217.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001)

Pacifica
09.06.2006, 22:41
Does anybody have any more jokes in English?

Pacifica
19.01.2007, 09:17
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to
hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes over, whiffs it, and then hacks
it maybe another 10 feet, then hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the
men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those f***ing
lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies, "Well there you have it lady, you
should have taken golf lessons instead."

Polt
19.01.2007, 10:30
:haha: :haha: :haha: :top:

Pacifica
20.01.2007, 13:28
Idiot Report

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would
be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down

and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave

her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room
right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006


Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this. "Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might

call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells

Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors
that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells
Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained
another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.


This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 20056

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided

that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the
liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road.
The reason:

"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS
______________________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, AL
_______________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving
the company due to" downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more
often."
Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
____________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock

the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively

tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced
to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
_______________________________________________________

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us and they REPRODUCE!